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Thursday, April 22, 2004

The New Nirvana

Here’s an item that hasn’t made it to the DaypopTop 40, but deserves a spot right up there. The current issue of a local rag, The East Bay Express, fearless reporter of all things weird in our divine California culture, has a lead article, cleverly titled “The Wonk of Wank,” about Joseph Kramer, the High Priest of—get this--Masturbation Education.

I'm not making this up. Not only did Kramer found, and subsequently license, circle-jerk workshops for men on how to improve their masturbation, he got his coursework licensed by the State. You can now get a license to teach this stuff!

No wonder California has the reputation it does.

Kramer’s defenders will no doubt accuse me of simplifying something profound and missing the point--that the purpose of the training is not how to jerk off, but rather, how to attain higher states of consciousness through the application of the right auto-erotic techniques.

OK. I plead guilty.

Gee, to think I’ve wasted all these years seeking Nirvana with art, music, poetry, philosophy, meaningful conversation, sexual congress with someone you love, psychedelics, pharmaceuticals, hiking, golf, and baseball—when all the while it was within my hand and a closed door.

Well blow me down and gag me with a spoon!

If this were the route to enlightenment, all males would be Ascended Masters. I can’t think of any area less in need of instruction than male masturbation. Yes, there may be more than one way to skin a cat, but this is out of the spigot and over the top.

Wrong metaphors, but you get my meaning.

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