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Monday, November 25, 2002

The Value of Embarrassment

I have to confess to being somewhat embarrassed. After days of hardly any visits from anyone, all of a sudden, during the last 24 hours or so, many of my most favorite and respected bloggers have dropped by, and there’s been nothing for them to read. For the last week or so, my blogging’s been either stale or non-existent. I’ve been suffering from some of the same blogging blahs which seem to be going about lately.

Boredom, for example—the kind of boredom that Elaine addresses. She asks, “Is it age? Is it the Age?”

I don’t think it’s age, but the Age? Could be. God knows I haven’t been able to shake the feelings of depression and dread since the elections. The prospect of widespread death, chaos, and economic stagnation seem to be hanging in the air.

But that’s only part of it—a small part. Mostly it’s personal. I used to be able to overcome my resistance when I felt like I had nothing to blog about. If my well had run dry for the moment, I was willing to put in a placeholder--idle gossip about other blogs, perhaps a lame attempt to say something funny or clever--maybe a reference to sports, politics--maybe a tidbit about a recent social activity, or a movie I had seen, or music I had enjoyed.

In my depressed state, I find myself unwilling to bother with such posts. The question, “Who gives a shit?” bounces around relentlessly between my ears. Additionally, I find myself resenting the departure of the chunk of my consciousness that blogging seems to have appropriated. I’m constantly catching my mind drifting off--dwelling on possible subjects for blogging--neglecting needed focus on the more urgent affairs in my life.

Why am I bothering with this post? It’s hardly the kind of reading that would put a smile on your face or provide any valuable references. I guess it’s because the primary value that blogging holds for me is that it’s a venue where I can attempt to be honest with myself and explore some of my below-the-surface realities in the glare of a public forum. It risks embarrassment, and that’s a risk, when taken, that always seems to provide some growth and movement away from stuck-ness and oscillation.

It’s also a way of letting you--my esteemed readers--know that while the blogging here may be thin for awhile, I’m still around.

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